I Want To Marry My Dog

“My dog likes me—I can tell—and quite naturally we belong together. Further, I love my dog, and I know she loves me too. So who are you to stand in the way of our happiness? The way we feel, it’s only right we should celebrate our union with marriage!”

On a scale of 1 to 10, how far does this topic register on your ACME ScrewyLife-O-Meter? Are you too jaded to give it a second thought? Perhaps the make and model of my social gauge offend you. P’raps not.

Consider the dude and the dog. He wants dog, dog wants him. He wants the relationship to be called marriage. He also wants it legally sanctioned. That way, it’s protected so all the poochophobes can’t piddle on or pooh-pooh their plans.

Wellsir, it may indeed be what you want, but it ain’t natural!

No more so than the togetherness of two homosexual men, who find themselves misunderstood, miscategorized and downright militant towards their homophobic counterparts hell-bent on ruining their happiness. After all, theirs is a marriage too. It’s what they want and society has no right to disenfranchise them for following their inclinations. To deflect criticism, Adam and Steve call their social and sexual union “natural.”

I want to marry my dog.

A little intellectual honesty goes a long way. These men don’t typically admit they’re “happy” by choice, but rather the choice was made for them, i.e. they were made that way. Clinical psychologists, medical practitioners and lawyers agree with their position, but I’m not buying it.

You’ve heard it and I’ll repeat it: show me two naturally homosexual men living together on a natural island all by themselves and naturally procreating. It isn’t going to happen. Nada. Zip. The plumbing’s all wrong. Biologically, it’s dead. I’m not questioning the mutual desire for Adam to be with Steve—that’s granted—I’m merely pointing out it’s not natural. It does not follow the design of their bodies. It is in fact, against nature.

I want to marry my dog.

Then keep the issue honest, it’s about what you want. Period. It has zilch to do with a natural lifestyle. Tell me, why should the community recognize your canine union while you’re short on things like integrity and veracity? You won’t admit it’s a choice you made and you hide behind the “I was born this way” mantra. Be up front about it. You want your dog because, well… you want your dog.

Put another way, you want your same-sex union because that’s what you desire. And you’re following your desires, however unnatural they may be. You clamor for social reform because biologically-active homophobes don’t readily accept the nature of your choice, as if it’s something they’re supposed to accept.

I know, I know; it’s all about you and your dog. Well, for my part, I’d appreciate it if you’d just be honest about the whole thing.


Bravo sir,

A little bit of honesty would go a long way. The most unfortunate part of it all is... they are not merely deceive us, but themselves as well.

I do see some advantage to marrying ones dog though. When things get too, ummm... difficult to bear, you can simply have your... partner? put to sleep.

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